We're a team.' Sadly for Alfie, as teams go, Kat & Alfie are worse than West Ham. Even one last kiss ends up with Kat saying she is leaving. Jim Shelley on EastEnders

Given Walford’s track record, you’d think by now Roxy and Alfie would know not to have a hen night and a stag do – or get married at all come to think of it.

Don’t they watch EastEnders?!
Happily (not for them, for us), of course they went ahead, like the East London's versions of lemmings or gluttons for punishment - only without any letter 't's.

Once more wiv feeling: Alfie makes one last lunge on top of Kat who - temporarily blinded by his shirt - finds herself kissing him before telling him to go

Roxy duly ended the evening telling her sister Ronnie to stay from the wedding ceremony in particular and from her in general.
This was after Ronnie (short for Ronald) told Roxy what she thought of Alfie her husband-to-be, which was, in short: not a lot.
Ron told Rox that she did not give her and Alfie her blessing, that Alfie was not right for her and that he clearly still loved Kat. Apart from that, she was all in favour.

Ronnie (black) heroically hides her lack of enthusiasm for the impending wedding between sister Roxy (pink) and her husband-to-be Alfie (West Ham shirt or leather coat)

Meanwhile in The Vic, Alfie had a miserable stag do with his head wedged between Ian Beale’s legs (playing Twister).
No wonder he needed cheering up.
He promptly staggered across the square, shuffled up to his ex-wife on the sofa, declared his undying ‘luff’ for Kat and threw himself on top of her (no mean feat).

Alfie spent much of his stag do with his head between Ian Beale's legs - playing Twister. Masood, Phil, AJ and Billy look on while Bianca's new boyfriend Terry bends over

It brought a fitting conclusion to EastEnders’ theme week, namely Kissing Couples.

We had Sadie from the beauty salon and her surprise husband, Jake the Growling Unshaven Bad News Northerner.
Then there was Joey and the evil cow who has framed his sister Alice for murder - Janine (or as she was officially christened by her father Frank Butcher, ‘Juneeeeeeeeen’).

Finally last night, there came the inevitable sight of Alfie, bottom lip dangling erotically down, drooling, and drunkenly launching himself on to the surprisingly un-orange Kat.

Talking to Terry on his stag do, Alfie increasingly realised what a terrible position he was in - about to marry Roxy when he still really loved Kat. Then again, with his taste in shirts, he deserved it

Whether such scenes were the most obvious way to go about boosting ratings is a matter of debate.
Still, it was better than the interminable nonsense involving Carl, Sam, or the legions of kids scurrying round Albert Square like curly-haired vermin. (I suppose we should grateful that Jake and Sadie turned up with only have one child in tow, although Bianca’s new bloke Terry has also added a couple of delightful brats to her brood.)

The only person who no-one wanted to kiss was Lauren – the best looking girl in the show and soap.
Lauren also discovered:

• her boyfriend Jake from Alcoholics Anonymous was drinking.

• her boyfriend Jake from Alcoholics Anonymous was not her boyfriend but was married – to Sadie.

• her ex-boyfriend Jake from Alcoholics Anonymous and his wife Sadie were moving in to Albert Square.

• her other ex-boyfriend Joey was shagging Juneeeeeeeeeen.

Damn. And you thought you’d had a bad week.

In case you missed it the other day, Joey really did kiss Juneeeeeeeeeeen - a sight which capped off Lauren's week and made even Scarlett's soft toy look the other way

In a way, the evening of hen night and stag do still lacked a final killer kick.
Ronnie had no revelations to tell Roxy about seeing Kat and Alfie together or confessing she had chopped up his West Ham pyjamas.
Roxy is forever announcing she is not speaking to Ronaldo, even before Ron was released from jail.
We have seen Roxy turn on her and shriek: 'do you know what your problem is? You can't bear to see anyone else happy' dozens of times before – even though, in Walford, seeing other people happy is not really an issue.

Before the fireworks, we had to go through the spectacle of Roxy screeching loudly, dancing drunkenly (so no change there then).

‘This time tomorrow, I’m going to be Mrs Alfie Moon!’ she screamed - as if it was actually a good thing.

‘This time tomorrow, I’ll have everything I want!'
This if nothing else proved she didn’t want much.

No warning was given as viewers were subjected to disturbing scenes of Rita Simons and Samantha Womack 're-living Roxy and Ronnie's Ibiza days' - ie, dancing without moving their feet

Before Ronnie got stuck in, even Denise and Poppy helpfully chipped in about Alfie and Kat.
“Ron, have a word!” poor Roxy ordered, asking the wrong person.
As soon as Alfie messed up a game of Jenga and staggered outside for some ‘air’, you knew exactly what was going to happen, especially when we saw Kat's only friend, Bianca leave Kat’s 'a**e' (or house as you and I call it).
Kat even delivered the old ‘what have you forgotten?’ line (thinking it was Bianca coming back), only to find Alfie there, inviting him in and making him a coffee.

‘I want you there tomorrow Kat,’ Alfie purred/slurred, moving next to her on the sofa. 'I'm not doing it without you. Me and you, we’re still like a team aren’t we Kat?’

If they were, they were a team even worse than West Ham